what i've got.

i've been asking myself all week "what the hell am i doing here?" in school, i mean really. somewhere around the halfway mark in life i slipped out of the "in school and doing well" sort of person. up until recently, i've always assumed everyone else was cut out for the 8-4 business of school... but i've also always been thrown into the honors classes, so maybe this has something to do with my reasoning. i don't know. i've always been the kid that tests astronomically well on standardized tests... but after a while (after i realized i'd be in private school for life or something) i stopped caring and started being the sort of someone that did well in class but scraped by when it came to homework. this is probably where i began to coin the term 'i make procrastination an art'.
and it's pretty damn close to the truth.
true, i don't care to do my homework/papers/assignments until after i've painted/sketched/sat infront of a sewing machine... i never really have to begin with... i probably will never get that routine out of my system.  the only thing is that i haven't been in that routine lately and the nerves beneath my skin have been itching and longing to do so.  and i don't know. i've been doing a whole lot of creative nothing lately and it's killing me.
literally.
i'm dying here.
all my right-brained insides are falling apart and i'm turning into a run-of-the-mill something who works only to do homework.

what the hell just happened to me?

i don't even like the homework i'm pretending to love. i can't concentrate and i don't CARE. i want to go back to tearing my old clothes apart and sewing them back together. i want to jump into the car and photograph my hometown some more. i want to color my friends' hair and cut it like i used to do in high school. i want to paint until my lungs collapse and sell it all like i used to.
i was beginning to be someone great.  how can a solid month and a half stretch turn me into someone i hardly recognize as myself?  i can't seem to stop caring about what everyone else wants me to care about.  i can hardly tell what i want to care about anymore.

we call this

mental

emotional

and physical exhaustion.

bring me some resuscitation.