in between molecules of oxygen and carbon dioxide

i dreamt a few days ago.
and i've been dreaming a lot less lately, and a lot more vivid when i do.
and it's making me realize that there was so much more to it than i knew.

but i dreamt that i began to think
and i dreamt she was moving to california
and i dreamt i gave her all my savings i had been collecting for months
and they had been kept safely under a tree on a small hill... back where i used to live when we were younger and the biggest problems we had were things like staying out past dinner time... or getting caught sneaking into neighboring yards.
i dreamt we sat in a claw-foot bathtub, the one from the apartment we used to live in
and i dreamt we did this while wearing yellow dresses.
i dreamt things were getting better and easier, and i dreamt that we'd make it to a time when things getting better and things getting easier meant the same thing. we talked about future plans: about how we both needed to get the hell away from the worlds we'd created,
and we talked about how we needed each other.

we still do: whether in dream or wake, this truth knows no boundaries.

lollipop

stoked:

more news later.
as of right now, this is it.

a million watts of sound

found on a blog i frequent.
and still...
i've got to start somewhere...

broadway is dark tonight

it moved me further than words could begin.
i used to be like this when i was a dancer:

and i know in my heart
everything i'm up to right now
is nothing
compared to what it used to be like
when i loved to dance.

sunday secrets

i'm sure this would be better with photos, copied postcards, or something a bit more tangible, but i'm short on all those things and i'm sure sending my sunday secrets off into cyberspace will (at very least) make me feel better.
so let me get this over with:

+i turned down going out today because i am secretly REALLY excited to write my paper that was due back in may.
+i'm afraid to turn people away (because i know i keep most people at bay at a fairly surface level to begin with... and once they make it "in" so to speak, i feel a bit pained to force them "out"). i avoid this by first not letting most people 'in'. it's hardly a problem anymore, though, becasue i'm getting better at both my game and my tolerance with myself. i guess.
+^^^i hate when i say "i guess" because what precedes the phrase is always what i find to be true, but i'm usually embarassed/ashamed/unsure how to admit it. i know, right?
+sometimes i miss hanging out at the skate parks in lakewood. there's nothing particular about lakewood skate parks, i just never hung out at any other ones, and i always wished i knew how to skateboard.

+ ^^^ i gave up being taught how to skateboard because i was too afraid i'd look like a poser.
+ ^^^ this has hindered me from doing a few things.
+ ^^^ it takes me a while to digest that it's never too late to try anything.
+i used to only get sugar-free flavored anythings in fear of extra and unnecessary calories, but now i just feel like sugar-free things are cheating me out of satisfaction.
+i lust over double and triple group head, semi-automatic la san marcos:

read me the torah

you'd never guess.

i spend hours pouring over religious text, books on historical religious culture and the unity of religion and ecology...
and yet
i tell people i consider one of my lifetime achievements to be
rocking the fuck out to offspring during the summer of 2008.
they hosed the shit out of us in the mosh pit
it was that amazing
and lord knows we have typical pacific northwest weather.

i mean
i'm not entirely serious about it being one of my lifetime achievements..
but it was probably one of the best concerts i've attended
(and that number lost its count in the middle of high school).



i know, right?
it doesn't make sense.

i never.

i never want to be
the kind of grown-up
who sits in an office all day.

i know... i know i know i know
sometimes you don't have a choice.
but i'm young and i'm twenty-one
and right now i do have choices.

i never want to be
the kind of grown-up
who wears a business suit to mean business.
i see them come in my coffee shop all the time,
and they think they have it made.
but i don't want people talking to me
just because i wear a suit
and i make money
and my hair is the shit.

when i finally have to be an adult
and get finished with college
i want to have choices.
when i finally have to be an adult
i want to be talking to people
because everything i say actually means something
and everything they say means something to me.

so i guess
i can't put it off any longer.

sure, baby, hold back

to say nothing's been going on would be an absolute lie.
to say i've been uninspired to write lately would also be a lie.

i just don't know where to begin (or end?)


since my parents left, i've been sleeping in their bed. actually, i found a small collection of quilts and pillows and made a pile on top of their bed and slept in the middle of that.
best idea ever.
haven't seen my boyfriend much lately.
went to see him today and got the whole 'buddy' shoulder punch... solidifying my suspicion that i may be kidding myself into thinking.... i don't know what i'm thinking these days.

best part of my day?
going to the bank in redmond.
the lady almost wouldn't give me a cashback because she honest to god didn't believe it was me in my drivers license. she said i was "way too beautiful in real life" and "needed to change my id right away".
i've been up since five, working on four hours of sleep. i smell like coffee grounds.
seriously.
best part of my day.

promise (mostly to myself) i'll post more interesting things.
like my new love for jimmy eat world.
xo