tape. tapetapetape.

and sometimes it's like i try too hard to find answers
and other times it's like i ask for help before i try too hard.


i often have to remind myself that life doesn't work like a math problem- that each action does not necessarily result in a calculated reaction... and i remind myself...but..... i still wish everything could be calculated... planned out... you know.... but it never is
it hardly is.
but i try to figure it out
and i feel

i feel like i'm trying to open my eyes before i'm finished counting out a long game of hide and seek.
but my eyes are already opened.
and math is not a life problem
(or, rather, life is not a math problem).


i don't know.

and i told her 'i'm just making this more complicated"

i though i saw a rainbow today.
i thought i saw it when i was looking the other way.
i thought i saw it out of the corner of my eye, and i saw it dancing out of the grey clouds down a hill behind the trees where a boy told me he used to think a green monster lived. i could feel it, too, but when i looked it in the eye it disappeared before i could count the colors or the moments of its existence. i felt something more beautiful and more alive than anything i could imagine or reach out to or touch. i felt it, though, and i couldn't have been mistaken because a rainbow is more perfect than you and me, and as innocent as a baby or a sweet and silent dream.
it isn't just as much as it is.
the minutes passed in thoughts and words before time and structure left me standing alone on the pavement with nothing but my feet to move me away from what i saw, but even still i i thought i saw a rainbow today.... and long after i left and sat down again, the rainbow followed me home. and it followed me more certainly than anything i could make up: more vivid than a dream and more present than myself. i think i was the only one, but i saw a rainbow today and i was not alone.

play it loud

i put this playlist together like.... two and a half years ago and i still listen to it all the time.
because
well
most of the songs talk about drinking coffee (okay, right, and a few are about smoking cigarettes, but i've been hanging around enough coffee shops to understand the two seem to go hand in hand).

"coffee shop soundtrack" - all time low
"lemurs, man, lemurs" - minus the bear
"soco amaretto lime" - brand new
"kevin is gay" - giant drag
"coffee & tv" - blur
"coffee shop" - red hot chili peppers
"the feel good drag" - amberlin
"aneurysm" - weezer (nirvana cover)
"my little japanese cigarette case" - spoon
"nights of the living dead" - tilly and the wall
"motorcycle drive by" - third eye blind
"cigarettes and chocolate milk" - rufus wainright
"cigarettes and alcohol" - oasis
"coffee break" - forever the sickest kids
"smelling cigarettes" - the fiery furnaces

"black coffee" - glassjaw.

i think you misinformed yourself, but i've been the one misguiding you, too.

i have no idea what day it is.

worked at sodo again.
went to arizona and back.
i've been horribly unproductive in the writing department
but i've been dancing.
there's an audition coming up for a ballet performance
and i basically have to whip my ass into shape to show
everyone
who's anyone
that i can dance
the shit out of my bones
when i get there.
lord know
i'm not
naturally flexible.
but i'm a hell of a dancer.
so i've been dancing more than writing.
and painting more than writing.
and trying to live again.

sunny came home

i really like

singing really loud in my car.

i might even go so far as to say i have a pretty alright voice.

i think i just needed a change of pace...a change from the thisandthat of my driving to and from seattle. i'm really loving puyallup, and it's a bit further from sumner, a bit further from seattle, but hell, what's another three miles if it makes me content? a few hundred square feet to rent out as my own every month.

i'm sitting at a starbucks in portland (now i really just go to starbucks because once i flash my employee card people understand that i, too, share a dweeby fascination with the steaming of milk and what not.....i think i'm really liking talking to random strangers...anyway...ha. i'm such a dweeb...). i just dropped off one of my best friends in the whole wide world. i haven't seen her in a while, and just seeing her tall lanky frame and her smiling face looking waaaay down at me....i'm a few years older than her but that never made a difference....we've always clicked really well and i adore her with all my life.
i almost wept when i saw her.

sometimes i forget how much i can love another person until too much time has passed in between. and i can't take back the lost time, but i swear i'll be making up for it.


it's night time. i'll be taking out my 35mm soon.

good: no sales tax, free street parking
bad: not a lot of free parking (but i am now a well seasoned parallel parker)
ugly: i will never have enough time

slow motion

i've had no desire to write much lately.
it's funny.
from the inside looking out, i find myself horribly boring and not worth being around, but after sinking into a filthy stew of not caring, i find i walk down the street or go to one of my (many) regular coffee shops and strike up conversations with random people...because, really, why would it matter if i did any more than if i didn't? i like listening to people talk. and so....i've been talking to a lot of random strangers over the last few months.
i've made a fair amount of new people to hang out with, most of them baristas, and all of whom have begun introducing me as their 'new friend holly'.
i swear to god this is the oddest thing because i'm usually such an introvert.
but here i am
talking to every person i meet.
and from the outside looking in...everyone comes around to saying i'm quiet at first, but usually end up having worthwhile things to say or stories to share (i've got stories that seem to knock socks off every now and then..hmm...)
and i do, really, i do care about them. i've met some truly wonderful people these last few months. it's just stemming from a whole slew of no longer caring about myself.
and i was getting into it.
and one of my regulars down at my starbucks died. i called him 'high-octane mike' because he liked his coffee black and 'high-octane'. he was found dead in his apartment and i talked to him enough that i have a really big hunch he killed himself...or he gave himself a heart attack. i don't know. but it's almost too much to handle except when i remember
it's not about me, so i don't need to handle it anymore, i just need to...let it be.
but god.
why did he have to go?
he was a beautiful person.

so i'm taking a road trip down to portland tomorrow after work. i'm seeing one of my oldest and most wonderful friends i've known since high school (i've only kept two or three friends from high school, so she's kind of a big deal), and i'm spending some time exploring a new city. i hear there's free parking and no sales tax down there. i might even go to a concert.
i'll document all of it with my big old 32mm... and maybe i'll develop my photos when i'm down there, too (no sales tax again!).


life can be pretty fucking depressing sometimes, but it's a beautiful thing, i'll tell you.
it really is.