aw mama's just jealous it's the beastie boys

it's funny how we affect each other-
we've been each other's best friends since we were five. i can't tell you anyone outside of my family that's stuck around that long...and i can probably bet it's the same for her.
it's nice.
half the time we're thousands of miles apart, but nothing makes me feel more important than talking to her.




these last few months have been more of a struggle than i'll admit i guess (because i don't admit these things). but i think i'm on the up and up.
mostly because i'll make myself physically sick if it gets any worse.


::sigh::
more later.
more pictures.
more....figuring out (because for some odd reason blogging acts as an outlet for me... let's me map out what's going on inside my head, you know?
xo

iced americano

it's the first day of autumn in seattle.
funny, because the weather's lovely, something like what summers used to be like before this one and the last... these have been devastatingly hot... but i won't complain--- where else will i find a world like this?
a and it's lovely outside, but fall is certainly here. the leaves are beginning to turn, and my car is cold when i leave at work, and the seattle wind smells cold and salty when i walk from my car at five in the morning.

the sun is moving further away.

i spent some time yesterday watching a class at the pacific northwest ballet, and everything i remembered i dreamed of when i was a teenager rushed back to me. my heart raced and i felt i was about to weep, so i started talking to a mother who was making a costume for her daughter. we talked about baryshnikov and romantic tutus, and some things about me have never left, though i doubted for a long time they were anything important to me.
i will always love ballet.
it still extremely hard for me not to dance.
everyfiberofmybeing wishes i had never given in to not believing anymore.
but that was yesterday.


today is the first day of fall.
and it is new.

and today is going to be more difficult than i would like it to be, but standing up for what i believe in is a slow and tiring process when i've all but given up on myself. but i know that i wish i had never given up on ballet..i know i was really good. so now... now i suppose (and i know, in fact) that i can't give up on myself this time, either, or it will just be..... it will just become the life of others, and not the life of my own.
and today is new.
and today is the first day of fall.

spearhead

i honestly made a point to dislike everything he liked.
not because i was spiteful, just because i didn't really have a more effective means of getting over it when i was eighteen.


three years later, sure, we made up in our own extremely awkward manner... probably mostly because we both loved her the most and knew she wanted us to get along. and we did, genuinely, while actively avoiding the obvious elephant in the room (which, i suppose, was the fact that we tried dating on multiple occasions, but again couldn't find a means of getting along properly as two civil people should). there was no spite between us before it ended. i don't think. iguess i'll never know, because he's gone now.
and he played one song once over and over again one night... or maybe it was a summer afternoon when we chased geese.. i don't really remember, i just remember the song "oh my... oh my god... oh my.... oh my god".

i don't remember much else to the song.

i downloaded it onto my computer though, and it was just one of those things i never tried disliking because good music remains good music in your heart of hearts, regardless of what your mind tries to tell you to do.

and i never really cared for the new spearhead song... i didn't even know it was michael franti till i saw his name at bumbershoot and saw them sing it when they were opening for jason mraz.
and now, to add on to it all, it plays on the radio all the time.
and now that i know, and now that it has a different meaning,
i listen to the words.
and the words are good.
here's to the crazy crazy life- this is when i saw it live (but unfortunately did not see this close):

the real video's good too.
check it out, since i can't add it to my blog properly:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoaTl7IcFs8
sweet.
k.


off to figure out what i'm going to do with my life... some more...
love.

cause it's all been done.

here's to the end of summer:

it might be everyone else's favorite song, but i don't care. it grabs onto my heart a lot tighter than most people do.
i woke up today and realized i don't know a lot things.
but i do like listening to music really loud
and i like it better when i know all the words
and i like it when i'm standing with the band in front of me.

programmed.

i know what i'm doing.
really.
swear to god.

i'm sitting at the first tullys i used to work at and everyone knows my name. you see the raiser on the floor behind the pastry case? the one you have to step on to see your customers? they put that there for me when i worked there. i've left my mark.
swear to god i know what i'm doing.
i'm planning my life. the one i'm living. the same kind of "life of your own" that i preach to my comrades to take hold of. the one that i can't seem to manage. and i know what's going on, i swear i do because i'm right smack dab in the middle of it. i swear to christ the inside is way more organized than the outside. all my thoughts follow themselves the way they should... in a similar fashion that all my organs run against each other rather formally.
and i do. i know what i'm doing.
i know that people look at me and think that i've got nothing in my life in order. at this rate it will take me six years to finish college. i'm watching my high school classmates get ready to graduate and begin their grown-up lives. i know that people are looking at me thinking i'm running myself into the ground. i know that. and i know that ever single teacher, professor, instructor, mentor and so on have looked at me and let me know i'm so right brained i'm going to fall over. i almost failed out of my high school english ap course because i couldn't understand how to write a formal paper, and i remember just getting by because my ideas were "incredibly well thought out". check it.
i know what i'm doing.
so maybe this is it.
me.
literally being so right brained i'm falling over.
but hell, this system has worked for me my entire life so far, and why would i want to try and be something different? something that fits in better with the crowd?
screw that.


here's my plea:
please.
don't try and make me do what you would do. clearly, i would not do that. i will not learn how to do things on my own if you try and do them your way for me. it hasn't worked for twenty years.
scratch that: twenty-one. going on twenty-two. a whole ten years older than i was when i was twelve.

::sigh::
/rant to higher powers of the home.

pam's kitchen

i pass out.
not a lot, but enough for me to make a note to visit the doctor again. i figure it's food related since i've been known to take poor care of myself, and will probably end up seeing a nutritionist.
i picked up a shift at starbucks headquarters today, but had to leave an hour and a half into my shift when i started fading in and out of consciousness. i mean, what is that all about? it's fair to say i didn't pass out in the back room, but i have a feeling it's not normal when my vision turns on and off. was it a black out? was i losing consciousness? i don't know. i attribute it to not being able to remember the last full meal i've consumed.
but don't get me wrong, i love food.
so in light of my lack of eating, i decided to post the restaurant i'd like to visit soon- it's in the u-district, and i mean seriously, what DOESN'T sound good about trinidad cuisine?

check it out:
www.pams-kitchen.com

sodo lobby round two

starbucks is not the be-all end-all of coffee by any stretch of the imagination.


i know this
because i'm working at headquarters again today
and i'm working at the starbucks in bumbershoot on monday
and all of a sudden
i don't care about making coffee.
i don't care that i'm pretty good at it.
i don't care that it used to make things better.

because all i'm doing now is pushing buttons...
and as far as i'm concerned, i'm just dumbing myself down.


time to find something worth doing
again.

hunabku

went to a bar in auburn tonight.
skeezy, cheesy, something up the wall and drab.

but she wore a yellow shirt, and we sat at a table in the corner like we always do, because most bar goers aren't there for anything more than surface-level superficial bullshit.
and we talked about how she's leaving for florida at the end of the month, and how i'm moving out to be on my own finally. we talked about how we need to get the hell away from these parts, and how our dreams are prophecies are intuitions are telling us what we already know. and i told her about the handful of good conversations i've had these days: the ones with my family and the one with my co-worker who is the only real person i've met for awhile.
in our lives, we are given people for a reason, i suspect.
and we still have eachother
and we're splitting the hell out of these towns because we're so much more than we already know.
and it wasn't a dream this time.


i have so much work to do.
and i don't know if i have anyone to trust with this sort of thing besides her.


more later.
let's save the world.