l'imparfait, or, my new job.

oh.  some things just sound sweeter with time.  some things smell sweeter with time, too.  it's probably halfway to disgusting, but i always like the split second i inhale when i'm tearing off my work clothes and i smell old coffee grounds lingering all over me.

i can't believe i've been doing this for three years.  the unfortunate thing is, i'm at a new store and i don't have the energy or the focus to put the right words together to get myself away from the god damned register so i can just sit and make coffee.  it calms my nerves.  it's stupid, i know, but it's one of the better habits i've acquired.  but i've been forgetting stupid things like re-brewing coffee...i haven't been on top of my game for almost a month now, and i've never been out of the loop for this long.....

...............(but how do i tell my boss i'm still wrestling with the idea of people in the family trying to kill themselves?  and how do i tell her i'm mourning for his loss and the pain i feel so deeply for my best friend?  you can't explain that shit.  i can't explain how i've been extremely sensitive my whole life.  i blame it on my great grandmother who i have the oddest suspicion was a mystic- and god damn it being the thing i love that i've inherited from her)........

.....but things will carry on. i know i'm the impatient kind.  i know i'm the quiet kind.  i know i'm the every which direction but the one i look like i'm headed toward kind.  i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and i know this one well because i dug the entire grave myself.  back to back and front to front, it's like one long dance where nobody moves.. and here i am.

i can feel my edges sharpening.  i can feel it when i walk into a room, how everyone sees my five-foot stature and silent shape move around, my hair that has finally grown back and my tiny white frame that holds it all together.  i can feel it when everyone looks at me (and i can feel it when nobody looks at all) and i can feel my edges sharpening because i just don't want things to go back to how they used to be.

"and a physical return does not mean an emotional return" and i can hear those words ringing like "oh. fuck," because i'm always going back for more.  i keep doing it until i get it right.  i know i do.  i always have.  but the difference is i've always gone back to the emotional state... they had always walked hand in hand.  but now the 'had' is a moment in time that is solid.  it's a place.  it's a point that has ceased to move.  

c'est pas le passe compose- c'est l'imparfait, non?

but i'll always be going back for more

because i've never spent just one day on a masterpiece.

and this one

is my life.

i'm just.... betraying a few more monsters i guess.