programmed.

i know what i'm doing.
really.
swear to god.

i'm sitting at the first tullys i used to work at and everyone knows my name. you see the raiser on the floor behind the pastry case? the one you have to step on to see your customers? they put that there for me when i worked there. i've left my mark.
swear to god i know what i'm doing.
i'm planning my life. the one i'm living. the same kind of "life of your own" that i preach to my comrades to take hold of. the one that i can't seem to manage. and i know what's going on, i swear i do because i'm right smack dab in the middle of it. i swear to christ the inside is way more organized than the outside. all my thoughts follow themselves the way they should... in a similar fashion that all my organs run against each other rather formally.
and i do. i know what i'm doing.
i know that people look at me and think that i've got nothing in my life in order. at this rate it will take me six years to finish college. i'm watching my high school classmates get ready to graduate and begin their grown-up lives. i know that people are looking at me thinking i'm running myself into the ground. i know that. and i know that ever single teacher, professor, instructor, mentor and so on have looked at me and let me know i'm so right brained i'm going to fall over. i almost failed out of my high school english ap course because i couldn't understand how to write a formal paper, and i remember just getting by because my ideas were "incredibly well thought out". check it.
i know what i'm doing.
so maybe this is it.
me.
literally being so right brained i'm falling over.
but hell, this system has worked for me my entire life so far, and why would i want to try and be something different? something that fits in better with the crowd?
screw that.


here's my plea:
please.
don't try and make me do what you would do. clearly, i would not do that. i will not learn how to do things on my own if you try and do them your way for me. it hasn't worked for twenty years.
scratch that: twenty-one. going on twenty-two. a whole ten years older than i was when i was twelve.

::sigh::
/rant to higher powers of the home.