iced americano

it's the first day of autumn in seattle.
funny, because the weather's lovely, something like what summers used to be like before this one and the last... these have been devastatingly hot... but i won't complain--- where else will i find a world like this?
a and it's lovely outside, but fall is certainly here. the leaves are beginning to turn, and my car is cold when i leave at work, and the seattle wind smells cold and salty when i walk from my car at five in the morning.

the sun is moving further away.

i spent some time yesterday watching a class at the pacific northwest ballet, and everything i remembered i dreamed of when i was a teenager rushed back to me. my heart raced and i felt i was about to weep, so i started talking to a mother who was making a costume for her daughter. we talked about baryshnikov and romantic tutus, and some things about me have never left, though i doubted for a long time they were anything important to me.
i will always love ballet.
it still extremely hard for me not to dance.
everyfiberofmybeing wishes i had never given in to not believing anymore.
but that was yesterday.


today is the first day of fall.
and it is new.

and today is going to be more difficult than i would like it to be, but standing up for what i believe in is a slow and tiring process when i've all but given up on myself. but i know that i wish i had never given up on ballet..i know i was really good. so now... now i suppose (and i know, in fact) that i can't give up on myself this time, either, or it will just be..... it will just become the life of others, and not the life of my own.
and today is new.
and today is the first day of fall.