arizona without photos.

so it's settled.
i've never been the sort of person that organizes her day. yup. i've been thinking back over the last six months, mostly waay back to spring quarter last year when my aunt decided she was putting herself in the hospital again for suicidal tendencies, and then ryan up and took his life a few weeks after. oh. yes. and my best friend took it all downright awful because she was the closest thing to him and i basically shut down.
ha.
i write it like it's no big deal, but honestly? everyone said i was fortunate to have only experienced the death of one family member, but let's face it THE WOMAN HATED ME, so it wasn't like our relationship changed after her death (i swear to god i'm a decent catholic, but there was no doubt this woman hated me. it's a fact. i dealt with it once i understood it all in the ninth grade). so i've gone most of my life not knowing anyone who's passed away and then BAM. there they go. it feels like dominoes in my heart when i think about all the death this year. these last six months. one of my wrestlers on the team i managed in high school passed away a few weeks ago.
dominoes in my heart.
my stomach crawls back into my throat.
eyes roll around in my head trying to figure it all out.
and i couldn't. it's been a bit of time now since the first death, and i still can't figure it out.
i guess nobody can.
and i crawled into a bit of a depression trying to answer it all on my own.
and i guess i still can't.
scratch that.
i know i can't. and i know i'm clever enough to have found an answer by now.


so.
here we go again.
standing at the edge of the grand canyon set my heart in the right place. for once in a really long time, it stopped beating in an inverted manner and began to function properly... or as properly as it had been. i was so small next to it. i couldn't see where it began or where it ended. i could see the other side, but the other side was more than that: it was a beautifully etched rainbow of shades of red. it was full of crevices and wrinkles and cliffs. my breath was literally taken away. i think this is the point where my heart began to tick and beat and thump and move properly again.
because
i guess
i'm incredibly insignificant against it all. and maybe everything doesn't happen for a reason, maybe it does, i don't know. but i do know now, or at the very least i am incredibly certain that even if nothing at all happens for a reason, if i give it a reason to have happened in my life... all of a sudden, it all becomes a significant something to me. and then the insignificance becomes rich with meaning to me... and i have a hunch that matters quite a bit.