slow motion

i've had no desire to write much lately.
it's funny.
from the inside looking out, i find myself horribly boring and not worth being around, but after sinking into a filthy stew of not caring, i find i walk down the street or go to one of my (many) regular coffee shops and strike up conversations with random people...because, really, why would it matter if i did any more than if i didn't? i like listening to people talk. and so....i've been talking to a lot of random strangers over the last few months.
i've made a fair amount of new people to hang out with, most of them baristas, and all of whom have begun introducing me as their 'new friend holly'.
i swear to god this is the oddest thing because i'm usually such an introvert.
but here i am
talking to every person i meet.
and from the outside looking in...everyone comes around to saying i'm quiet at first, but usually end up having worthwhile things to say or stories to share (i've got stories that seem to knock socks off every now and then..hmm...)
and i do, really, i do care about them. i've met some truly wonderful people these last few months. it's just stemming from a whole slew of no longer caring about myself.
and i was getting into it.
and one of my regulars down at my starbucks died. i called him 'high-octane mike' because he liked his coffee black and 'high-octane'. he was found dead in his apartment and i talked to him enough that i have a really big hunch he killed himself...or he gave himself a heart attack. i don't know. but it's almost too much to handle except when i remember
it's not about me, so i don't need to handle it anymore, i just need to...let it be.
but god.
why did he have to go?
he was a beautiful person.

so i'm taking a road trip down to portland tomorrow after work. i'm seeing one of my oldest and most wonderful friends i've known since high school (i've only kept two or three friends from high school, so she's kind of a big deal), and i'm spending some time exploring a new city. i hear there's free parking and no sales tax down there. i might even go to a concert.
i'll document all of it with my big old 32mm... and maybe i'll develop my photos when i'm down there, too (no sales tax again!).


life can be pretty fucking depressing sometimes, but it's a beautiful thing, i'll tell you.
it really is.