start at the beginning

it started going down
when she told me
i made her want to kill herself
when we fought.

or maybe it started
when we sat in the grass
away from the rest of the world
during recess
and announced that we were worshipping ourselves
instead of anything else we were supposed to when we were ten and eleven and twelve in private school.

maybe it really started
the late afternoons
we went to aa meetings
because she was too afraid to go alone.

maybe it was when i felt like a bad friend
for suspecting the truth
and wondering whether or not
the cuts were really from withdrawls

maybe it was before that when i saw track marks
and learned what that meant.

maybe i learned about it all too late.

maybe it started when
he told me to stop trying to save everyone
and save myself
but i doubt it
i never loved him anyway.
i guess.

(because how can you love something that's incapable of loving back?
it's like doing arithmetic with electricity and pots and pans
when all you really need are numbers and equations.
these things
it doesn't work properly.)

no.
it never started with any of these things
let's start at the very beginning:
it started when we realized we'd never resolve a single fight.
when she told me i make her want to kill herself.
oh.
jesus christ.
if i were ever to call on saints,
now would be the time.